In a name

I was in a meditation group last night where I talked (read: cried) about being pulled in so many directions; feeling depressed and overwhelmed by ALL THE THINGS. I couldn’t JUST be struggling with accepting infertility — but I’m struggling with being happy in a job, being inspired to spend my energy in time in other ways, and navigating the challenges of relationships.

A dear friend and fellow meditation group goer said “I imagine you as a flower and all of the elements of you — your pains, your gifts, your challenges, your successes — are all petals on that one flower.”

I’m cry.

Tears of being seen and held and loved, though. It felt so good to be gifted with that image.

After meditation, the feeling of overwhelm was replaced by a sense of hope. I feel like I’m sitting on a golden egg of possibility of how I express myself in the world. I’ve had some eggs hatch but this egg is different and hasn’t hatched yet. Maybe it will split off into multiple eggs, hatching a few at a time.

I decided to change the name of my blog. I am naming what I have been in the midst of doing: working to accept infertility. It’s a reminder and even a command for me: “embrace infertility. Do it.”

The diagnosis of infertility smacked me across the face in 2016. Is it possible to even articulate how it feels? I’d like to try. Soon.

I think my husband and I are going to get some counseling. Where we are right now has created a rift I think between us. I feel overwhelmed even by his need to be a dad. I don’t have the space to be able to even contemplate what I need to do to feel more confident and less overwhelmed by the idea of becoming a parent, in the midst of my own dissatisfaction and overwhelming frustration with life. He tiptoes around me. We get entwined in codependency.

I believe that within me there is a voice and a certainty of what I want. The voice has been drowned out by other people’s voices and expectations. The voice might be even trying to express a word that hasn’t even been invented yet.

Last year, the focus and intent was on getting through infertility treatments. At the end of the last cycle that failed in July, I then channeled my energy on my art show. Now, the energy is catching up to me and I’m not on autopilot trying to MAKE something happen. I’m in an in-between.

This post is all over the place. My thoughts are scattered like petals. I’m collecting them in a basket.

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