I have a great friend who went through a turbulent fertility treatment process about 13 years ago. Now, she and her husband have two beautiful daughters who they adopted as infants, a year apart.
My friend and I met up last August for dinner and to catch up. I wanted to pick her brain. I’d been getting the strong intuition that my husband and I would adopt. That message was just as intuitive as it is a possible reality — given the no-go to additional fertility treatments (unless I wanted to pay out of pocket for the donor egg process).
My friend is so kind and realistic — which can be opposite qualities, but with her, it’s all authenticity and genuine caring. She suggested we go to this fertility and adoption conference held by Resolve New England, which is an incredible nonprofit and resource for people in the area who are having trouble starting families.
The conference was on November 4. We were both nervous and slightly overwhelmed even going there, not sure what we’d come up with. I’d just gone through an amazing couple months of preparing for my art show, and then the incredibly self-affirming art show itself, which lifted my spirits and energy higher than I’d felt in a long, long, LONG time.
Unfortunately, a week after, I crashed down after trying to get rid of my medications and being swung into the depression of feeling unsupported and abandoned (by my doctors, by my body…).
The conference came on the week after that crash, so I was pretty fragile. I brought some grounding essential oils to huff when feeling overwhelmed — and a lot of tissues. We went just with the intention of information gathering. (Safe and noncommittal)
We were met by wonderful, smiling faces at the registration table. I met another woman who was open to sharing her journey just casually at our table. I ran into another woman who’s a friend of a friend, and her hugs were encouraging. We heard Nancy Kerrigan speak honestly about her infertility struggle, which became so public, and how hope was the thing that kept her going.
My husband and I took the adoption track and got so much information. We were also reassured that Massachusetts is a great state to be living in when trying to adopt. There are a lot of resources. We both agreed mid-day that we were feeling like this was definitely something we could do.
At the end of the day, after an intense session on how adoption is a life-long commitment to the emotional needs of not just the child but the whole family, I KNEW I needed to get clear on some things (mainly, my job) before moving forward. I have a LOT on my plate and to add one more thing while feeling already stretched doesn’t seem fair to me, my husband or especially a child. This felt like a good focus for me — to get clear on what I do for work — but it triggered my husband since this is a huge bone of contention for us. I make more than he does, and yet, my job drains my soul. My soul is yearning to create more (like through my art work), and yet by the end of a long, exhausting and soul-sucking day, I’m wiped. I carry a heavier load than he does, and I need help. Unfortunately, he’s not willing to get a higher paying job. He wants to stay where he is — and I agree that it’s a good place for him — but where do we go from here?
It’s the beginning of a new year now and months have past. We’ve filed away the paperwork from the conference. I think we should go through the training for the Massachusetts foster program. My husband said he thinks we should wait until I get a true YES.
We’re getting through our day to day. Every day though I think about starting a family. Most every day my husband refers to the things we’ll do with the kids we might have. Every day we get older (he’ll turn 43 next week). Every day we wait for clarity.