Totally embarrassed 

Between this morning’s blood work and saying goodbye to the staff, somehow getting triggered to tears in Starbucks and then running into one of my husband’s coworkers, and the incessant yammering of my 20-something coworker who has a 6-month old, I lost my shit at work today. Hysterical sobbing. The kind where I feel like I have to puke and sometimes I do just to make myself feel better. I know there were questions among my coworkers who saw me puffy and gasping and the poor guy I may have scared in the stairwell, well… I’m sure he’ll recover. 

but I left. My boss is understanding. I don’t know anyone who’s gone through what I have and I seek a model to know how to act — like I need validation for my reactions. 

I am an emotional person by nature. Self-aware and emotional and sensitive. Today I’ve just had it with all the things and everything seems so uncomfortable. 

I took tomorrow off. Beach? 

These moments of deep pain, sadness and anger (the anger!!) will pass. I know this. If this is like any experience of deep sadness like the past, I might rise from it with insight and faith. That’s my hope. I know I can trust in something bigger than me — I know I can trust in my inner voice. It’s just the doing of it–the doing of the trusting, that is. 

I had a vivid intuition about adoption recently. Knowing that we will adopt. It makes me smile and feel warm. But still the burden of barrenness is heavy. 

How can I miss something that never existed? How can I mourn something that never happened?

One thought on “Totally embarrassed 

  1. The first few weeks are the shittiest so do whatever you can to nurture you (beach=good). I can’t say 3 months after ending our 6th cycle that I’m in a fabulous place, but in the grand scheme of things it’s not AS shitty as it felt back in April and May. But I will admit drowning myself in adoption paperwork helped…

    Like

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