It’s over 

I’m in the waiting room of the blood draw office and it’s insult to injury. AF started heavier than ever a few days ago. And yet my nurse has told me that they need a final blood draw to close the cycle and confirm I’m not pregnant. 

We met with our RE on Monday and he’s said that we have just as much chance of success with TTC naturally as we do with IVF so this chapter is over. We could do donor egg, but that, unlike IVF, is not covered by insurance for those over 40. At this point, I don’t feel like I can put myself through all of this again but I’m a different way. 

I had a deep feeling that these interventions were not going to bring me to a final destination. Destination Motherhood. I can’t say I’m ready for that destination yet either. Which is a kick in the pants because I’m 40 and should damn be well ready. (I know the platitudes of “you’re never reallyready” is on most everyone’s lips)

I’m not always this surly. I was clear and introspective last night in therapy and the night before that in my group. But this morning my hub was trying to figure out why there were spots of blood on his bath towel and I just couldn’t. Who cares?? Im never interested in playing inspector gadget to find where something came from. I can’t answer what I don’t know. 

I’m grateful we were able to do these cycles and I’m grateful my insurance covers it. I’ll do what I can to supprt those who can’t get insurance coverage because that is a disgusting fallacy of this government and the health care system that pays my paycheck twice a month. 

I have so many drugs left over. My hubby is uncomfortable with me disseminating them to those who can’t afford them. It’s not legal. But I think that legality can be thrown out the window. If anyone has recommendations on how or who to donate them to, I’d gladly take recommendations. 

My heart is being opened as much as I feel this suffering of uncertainty and challenges. All of my life I have answered to those who are insecure and seeking. I’ve been all too glad to swoop in and try to fix what is not mine to fix. That is falling away. I’m ready to step up and participate now and make my needs important. 

One thought on “It’s over 

  1. I know of lots of women who have given their leftover drugs away. I had a tantrum and tossed all mine in the garbage at the end. I think it’s a beautiful thing to do – my meds were so incredibly expensive with none of my cycles covered by insurance, and I am financially still in a better position than many women are going through this.

    Liked by 1 person

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