It’s confirmed. I am an endo-sister.
I saw my surgeon today for my post op visit. We spent the time talking about how the pain (when I laugh too hard or sneeze) is normal and the depression I feel is sorta normal.
He told me that there WAS endometriosis INSIDE my left tube and ovary–but none outside the area, just mad adhesions. I asked him about cysts and endometriomas and if there was anything else “weird” that was found in my ovary after it was sent to pathology (my imagination likes to run with random nonsensical scenarios…you know, like there was a tooth and a spinal column found in there…name that movie). And no, nothing weird.
I said that I was just trying to make sense of it all. He threw his hands up in a surrendering pose and assured me that there are things we just can’t know.
That’s always been a strange comfort to me and as good enough an answer when there are no other answers.
Now, I’m cleared to call my RE and get going on any “intervention” Dr C called it and to start having sex again. But only when I feel up to it all.
I am not up to anything at all. I’m tired (normal). My energy is so low (normal). I have pain (normal). I’m depressed (sorta normal). I don’t want to call and talk to my RE and I certainly have zero interest in intimacy.
It’s only been just over two weeks since my surgery and yes yes I know I’ve got to be more patient and accepting with myself — to look at myself through the eyes of my heart and have deep compassion for all I’ve been through.
I told my husband tonight I just wanted to go away and do some deep intensive healing work to “get it all over with.” Like going in with an ethereal scalpel and extracting the emotional pain in a psychic surgery. I picture a yoga ashram with my own personal therapist who will nurture me into my best self.
Oh the dream!
I have been doing some deep healing work though over the last 6 or 7 years, at the same time as “new” stuff has cropped up (infertility being one of them…not “new” but newly in my clear view). But I’ve also been going through the motions of life — work, etc. — while I work through pain.
Isnt that the way “most people” go through healing in life, though? By working it in among the laundry and the paperwork? It’s a nice-to-have luxury to be able to excise oneself from everyday life to go and live on a mountain top somewhere where they grow their own organic food and start their days with ting-sha bells and chants of OM. But wow does that sound just like what I’d love to be living right now. I’d just like to step back into the womb right now, complete with nag champa incense and meditation pillows.
So poor hubby has a wife whose emotions are raw, spirit is low and doesn’t want to have sex nor is excited about the idea of more appointments with a fertility specialist. Does it mean that I don’t want kids that badly? The answer is foggy.
My inner wisdom tells me to give myself some time, compassion and understanding. I’m still healing from surgery. I’m understandably overwhelmed by everything that has happened and all that could.
Meanwhile, my sweet girl cat has been sticking to me like glue. If I’m sitting, she wants to be sitting with me, as close to my face as possible. When I’m lying down, she wants to be not just near me, but on me. (Am I the one who’s needy or is she??)
While I’m writing, I want to mention that I found the blog The Art of IF and plan to submit digital images of the art journal pages that I’ve done, which are now the rotating banner of this blog. If anything, infertility has given me an intense topic to create art around. I specialize in creating art around intense topics. 😉