Today I drove an hour to go to my friend’s baby shower — that was really a non-shower since my friend is not a fan of having attention put on her.
I love driving. It’s a time when I’m not being pulled in different directions from coworkers, Facebook or my husband. I’m able to focus on me and the road.
Half way there, listening to music by my friend’s band on the stereo (a different friend and one who’s also going through IVF), I started to get teary. Was I making a mistake by going? Could I handle it?
of course I can, said my inner voice. Of course. No matter what state I’m in.
And I did. It was beautiful, sweet, simple and genuine. I liked hearing about her annoying birth class she had yesterday and how she put her dog in the crib to test it out.
I ended up sharing briefly with the girls there that I was going through IVF and immediately had vulnerability regret. I share too much. It’s ok but I still wonder why I feel like I always have to share so much of me. The mom-to-be friend has known about my experiences and was curious about how things were going.
How am I today? My back and my left hip hurt. I have a chiro appt tomorrow. I have herniated discs and degenerative disc disease, so I struggle with back pain. (My chiro also thought it was interesting that endometriosis was discovered on my left side, since I’ve seen him for 10 years and we never knew about the endo until this October.) I’ve been kinda bloaty-feeling. I’m doing a 28-day slo-mo detox, too, one I’ve done before, and is just about eliminating the inflammatory foods and adding in the alkalinizing foods. It’s also about taking radical self care, which I feel I need a ton of right now. Since we’re in this period of non-action and anticipation for the new regime, I feel detached from the IVF process. My doctor has me on CoQ10. That’s about as much action as I’m up to.
I often wonder though how long this process will take and where is it leading us. My dad and stepmom bought us a gift card to fly down to visit them in Florida. I’ve told them that I can’t make plans for awhile. And I feel like they threw that back in my face with the gift card. Who knows how long my life will be controlled by my cycle.