Having the faith of Mary

Christmas Eve’s service at my hubby’s parents’ church was beautiful and simple. Readings that I have heard so many times seemed to sink in deeper as we heard about Mary’s faith in the messages that she was going to bear a child who would change the world and teach us about Love. She did not know what or how this happened, but had the faith and the courage to say yes.

I’m fascinated with this concept of the “virgin mind”: to be free of preconceived notions of how things should or shouldn’t be. To have an innocent mind, a clear mind, a mind that does not qualify thoughts into “good” or “bad.”

This comforts me as I navigate the waters of hormone treatments.

Friday afternoon my RE called me (which usually means something BIG — it’s usually my nurse who calls me, but when the big cheese calls, there’s something significant going on). He said that I’m not responding to the drugs, and I’m on pretty high doses. My estrogen is at 11 when it should be 1100. So, he had me stop the injections for a few days. BUT, tomorrow I’m going in for blood and an ultrasound to see where I’m at without the drugs. His idea is that it’s possible my hormones could be jump started when removing the drugs. If I’m at a 30 pg/mL, then he’ll put me back on the same injectables and see what happens. If not, we’ll cancel the cycle and he’ll concoct another drug regime.

So many questions as to why my estrogen is low.Sure, I’m 39. There’s that. But also I read about adrenal fatigue. That could be something.

So much about my body that I haven’t paid attention to until these last few months.

OK, so the other thing, is a bit sensitive — but my hubs and I were trying to have the sexy times the other day (because I wasn’t doing the injections — and that’s when they told me to abstain). HOWEVER, totally unexpected, I was SO SORE inside. I used to have chronic yeast infections, and I’d know when one was coming on when the sexy times would start and after a little bit I’d have to stop because it hurt. This was like that, but WORSE. Like he was wearing a condom of barbed wire. So disappointing and really weird too. I’ll talk to my nurse tomorrow. I honestly can’t remember the last time we had sex — and not that I’ve even wanted to — but I actually wanted to this weekend. Meh. We found other ways to be intimate, but felt unfulfilled anyway.

No one said this would be easy. I’m feeling ok, though, about it all.

Christmas was exhausting. Mostly very nice, but also a family shit show erupted and the night ended with tears, yelling and drama — not from me, but from my family. I stayed out of it, but saw the reverberations of it and also ended the night comforting a couple of my family members. Christmases have been like this for years. I never know when is going to be a blow out. Lately, it’s been all related to alcohol. I try to stay out of it all and not get involved when others are battling. It’s so horribly sad.

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